Inimical, Inc.
Written by Kassie Parrott. Performed as a part of Because American Pie Did Give Me Serious Doubt About Pie. Cast Master Malfeasance: Tony Assande Johnny Injustice: Moshe Maizels Tommy Ominous: Liam O'Brien Emily Immoral: Caroline Pless Text of the Piece Scene: Master Malfeasance’s office; he sits on one side of a desk while Johnny Injustice and Tommy Ominous sit in chairs opposite him. Emily Immoral periodically enters and exits. MALFEASANCE: (reviewing a set of resumes) I am going to be honest, boys: the process of whittling all of the applicants down to the two of you has been long and difficult. This interview will make one of you and break the other, and I need to know which one of you has what it takes to be the new summer intern at Inimical, Incorporated. JOHNNY: That’s what you’ve said, but I don’t think you really mean it. MALFEASANCE: How on Earth do you mean, Mister Injustice? JOHNNY: Okay, fine, so we’re talking at you to see who’s more qualified –that is just the problem with evil today, and especially with Inimical, Inc.! Everyone’s too content to sit around – “It’s okay,” you all say, “everyone’s already going to the dark side enough without out help! Sure, it’s been a decade or two since anyone’s held humanity hostage, but who cares! There’s enough murder and violence that our job’s done already!” FUCK THAT! (He slams his hands on Malfeasance’s desk.)   Look at you, sitting up here in your office, with your paperwork, when’s the last time you did any mass scale badness, huh? HUH?! (after jumping around and working himself into a spectacular fit, Johnny throws his chair down, breaking it; he screams a scream of powerful rage.) MALFEASANCE: (into an intercom on his desk) Emily, Johnny Injustice has broken another chair. (Enter Emily Immoral. She crosses to the chair and picks it up; as she does so, Johnny grabs her ass; she immediately turns around and grabs him by the wrist.) EMILY: Hands off or I’ll break them off, little boy. Got it? JOHNNY: Y-yes, ma’am. EMILY: An outside consultant tried to sexually harass me once. They still haven’t found all of the limbs I didn’t feed to my pit bull. Understood? JOHNNY: Yes, ma’am. (Exit Emily.) JOHNNY: (at Tommy) AND WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM, HUH? TOMMY: It would appear that you are the one with the problem, Johnny Injustice. JOHNNY: Oh don’t give me that bullshit, Miracle Boy – TOMMY: Don’t call me that! JOHNNY: Oh, what’s the matter, MIRACLE BOY? What happened? Captain Vigilance wouldn’t let you get ice cream last Thursday, so you think you can switch to the dark side? You don’t know anything about the dark side, bitch boy! You ain’t bad, you ain’t nothin’! TOMMY: Just because I do not make a show of my inanities and my passion does not mean that I lack the qualifications necessary for this position. You will see in my resume that I had top marks in high school and continue to be exceptional at the university level – MALFEASANCE: True, but your superhero background does raise questions about why you have suddenly decided to switch to villainy. TOMMY: Why did I decide to switch? (he laughs bitterly) Why didn’t I decide to switch? Sure, it’s all well to play sidekick to the world’s greatest hero. They’ll tell you it’s a major accomplishment, that you’re doing something meaningful with your life – but what they don’t tell you is what you have to sacrifice to get there! They don’t tell you that you’ll have to watch people die in horrible, agonizing pain while you’re paralyzed and your mentor, who should be helping save them, is making out with his sexy girlfriend of the week – well if that is justice, then I DON’T WANT TO UPHOLD IT ANYMORE! They’re all vile people on the inside and I’LL SHOW THEM THAT IF IT KILLS ME! JOHNNY: Oh, go home, boy blunder! Go cry yourself to sleep and let the real villains have bad guy talk! TOMMY: (points at Johnny) He helps little old ladies cross the street! MALFEASANCE: (clearly shocked) Mister Injustice! JOHNNY: He’s lying! TOMMY: He doesn’t even attempt to rob them afterwards. It’s tragic, really. So many grandmothers going unmolested… JOHNNY: Lies! All of it! TOMMY: And not even a little shove towards the nearest set of stairs. MALFEASANCE: I’ve heard enough. (into the intercom once more) Emily, please have Mister Injustice escorted off the premises. (Enter Emily. She singlehandedly exits, dragging Johnny with her, while he protests loudly about how Tommy’s lying and this is a set up. Malfeasance sighs.) MALFEASANCE: Such a shame. He had so much potential. TOMMY: I know, right? MALFEASANCE: Ah, well. C’est la vie. (extends a hand) Welcome to Inimical, Incorporated, Mister Ominous. TOMMY: Glad to be here, sir. (They shake hands.) Category:Pieces